hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm too high and old for this...
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
