Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
