a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
