I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
