6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
