My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
