The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
