my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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