Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
