Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
