Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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