sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
