Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
