First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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