Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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