If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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