Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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