Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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