I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
