we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
