she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
