I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
