he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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