Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I think my moral compass just broke
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
