dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
