so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
