Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
