I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I need moral support for this bender
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
