how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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