Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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