I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize