bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
