i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
