I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
