I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
