Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize