you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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