I am spending my child support on dildos
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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