I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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