The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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