my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
