The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
