I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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