I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
