I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
