This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
