at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
