I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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