I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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