loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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