He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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