Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
