took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
