I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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