If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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