he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
