Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
