Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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