2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
