If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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