come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I got inside last night via doggy door
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
