You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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