she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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