woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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