he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
